What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 11:44
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why are some people afraid of monsters?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
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I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What would be the lowest score with 9 strikes and no gutter balls?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But it wasn’t much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was in good health!
How is a narcissist likely to handle situations when confronted with hard truths about themselves?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What is one thing nice you did for someone today or something they did for you?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
He knew the spot.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was seconnd youngest,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was very sick at this time too.
Put me off passion for life!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
Ive learnt so much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
I waited trembling.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
This is soul school!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What did i know ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My life is so biszare .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im still living with it.
She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It was going to be , some day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
We all went to grammer schools
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I think the readers, may guess!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot live in the past .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Who then, do I blame.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We were not on the streets..
When she asked me how she looked .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.